This blog post contains sensitive and detailed information about my miscarriage. Just a heads up in case you don't want to hear the nitty gritty details!
2 lines?? Really?? But a digital test clearly read NOT PREGNANT. Okay, guess not…
2 days later… that really looks like 2 lines. A digital test confirmed… PREGNANT!
Whoa. I was not expecting that. How did this happen?? I was filled with doubts of my capability and readiness to have a second baby. I woke up my husband to tell him the news. He was just as shocked as I was. He listened to my fears, held me close and prayed with me.
Over the next couple days I felt God’s peace come over me as He reminded me His timing is best. I began to get excited about the second chance at being a mom… doing some things over again the same and some differently. We shared the news with some of our friends and family over the next 5 weeks.
We pulled into the parking lot for our 8 week ultrasound feeling excited… but because of our history, I was a little nervous. But I truly felt that we would see our little bean wiggling around like we did with my son at 8 weeks. But as soon as she put the ultrasound probe on my belly, I knew something was wrong. There was no baby, and the gestational sac was tiny. She said it was only measuring 6 weeks, and I knew my dates weren’t wrong. An internal ultrasound confirmed that our baby had stopped growing around 6 weeks and there was no cardiac activity. What a blow…
Going through a blighted ovum with pregnancy #2, I was familiar with the torture of waiting for my body to miscarry. It took 4 weeks after finding out last time, and ended up with me in the ER with severe bleeding, faintness, and an emergency D&C. I did not want to repeat that, and felt a little hopeful that this situation was different. I tried everything I could to get my body to release this baby, and placed my life on hold for weeks not knowing when it would happen. One blessing in the wait was that I was able to get a blood test to find out the gender of our baby, which made it bittersweet but, to me, added value to this little life we won’t know earthside. We found out our baby was another boy.
It took 3 weeks for my body to start the process. I spotted for five days on and off, and at 11 weeks 2 days, my body let go… but did it forcefully. That afternoon, I could feel pressure in my pelvis, as if everything was going to fall out. Then 30 minutes later, I stood up from sitting and felt the biggest gush of blood, just like last time. I am thankful that my mom was there with my son and I to help. I rushed to the bathroom and sat there for a while as I felt things pour out of me. I called my husband, frantically asking him to come home. After about 10 minutes I decided to go ahead and try to get up and lie down. But the walk from my bathroom to my bed made me very lightheaded and I almost passed out. I laid on my bed and my mom made some calls… there was talk of needing to call a squad. At that time, I started feeling better, so didn’t feel it was quite necessary. I went ahead and called my midwife for advice, and she offered to come. She and her assistant headed our way and my husband arrived.
My midwives came and checked me out and assured me that they didn’t see anything super scary. They offered to hang around downstairs for a while to make sure I was okay. My husband and I laid in bed and tried to rest, but in about 20 minutes things went south fast. I started feeling hot, clammy, and lightheaded again. He asked the midwives to come in, and they were immediately concerned. My color was gone, my BP tanked and my heart rate was very low. They said it was time to call a squad, but they were coming with us. My husband and head midwife made the call, specifically stating it wasn’t an emergency, and that our little guy was sleeping if they could keep the sirens off. Within minutes we could hear the squad coming, but they turned off their sirens as they approached our road.
The EMTs came in my room to talk to me, and I realized that I knew one of them, which brought a sense of comfort. He asked if I could walk, and I said I would try, in order to make getting me out of the house easier. I got up and felt fine, and walked down the hallway and down the stairs feeling fine, but then it hit fast and I said, “I’m going to pass out.” And I did. They caught me and got me on a mover, and I woke up about 30 seconds later and got loaded into the squad.
I arrived at the hospital, which was very busy, and once they got me in a room they got to work on me, although I was too weak to say or see much. There was another man in my room that I knew, which brought another sense of comfort. I was in the ER for about 4 hours, during which they monitored me closely, pumped me with IV fluids and antibiotics because my WBC was high. After the ultrasound, an OB came in and suggested trying cytotec to expel the rest of the retained tissue. He did not however give me pain medicine, and that was AWFUL. I was in labor, stuck in bed with tubes everywhere and couldn’t move…. it was torture. My midwives did their best to comfort me and rub my hips and back, which helped a bit.
They finally came in and said they were admitting me, and getting me into the ICU for the night. I looked at my midwives confused and said, “ICU? Am I that bad?” They told me they assume it was just for closer monitoring and better care for the night. Once they finally got me up to ICU, they finally got my pain meds, and they explained to my family and midwives that I was septic. Thankfully, it was the beginning stages, and they felt hopeful that the antibiotics would do what they needed to do. In ICU, only 2 people are allowed at a time to visit and only one can spend the night. My midwives came in to explain the situation and plan to me, and assured me they would be back the next day if I needed them. My mom and dad came to say goodbye and head home to take care of our little man. My dear husband never left my side.
It was a long, restless night, between loud neighbors, beeping machines and constant checks. I also had to do a second round of cytotec. Through the night I continued to bleed and pass large clots, and was told I would be getting more bloodwork and a repeat ultrasound in the morning. About 5 AM they moved me to a quieter room in hopes of getting some rest. I slept better in the morning after being moved than I had all night. I had a repeat ultrasound and awaited the results. One of our closest friends came to visit and bring Brian food, and later one of my midwives came to sit with us. She was there when we talked to the OB, who explained that there was less than half of tissue left then what was there in the ER, and she felt confident we could get it out using a different medication and could most likely avoid a D&C. I was also no longer septic, but she wanted to keep me another night to keep an eye on me, so I agreed to trying the other medication, Methergine. I was taken down to a postpartum room for the night, and thankfully they had me in a quiet corner where I didn’t have to hear sweet babies crying all night.
Methergine was much more gentle, and taken orally, and it did a great job. I passed a large clot that afternoon, and from there my bleeding began to minimize. My family and little boy came to see me, and my other midwife- all which brought comfort. My almost 4 year old boy said, “I’m so happy we are all together.” Me too, little man <3 I still didn’t sleep well that night, knowing there were checks and bloodwork coming, but did get a few hours through the night and morning hours. Once my OB came around, she said she was confident I had gotten everything out and I could go home, with a follow up visit in 2 weeks with her.
So, that’s the whole story. The 3 week wait to miscarry, the craziness that went with it, and the details God was in.
Missed/Silent Miscarriages are torture- and having gone through it twice now, I want any mom out there who is going through it to know that she is not alone. I have new ideas on how to support a mom through the wait and through the process, and look forward to how the Lord will open doors for me to bless other mamas going through this some day. Until then, I hope this post brings some sort of comfort.